My letter to Aliyah that was read at her celebration service:
November 7, 2010
My Dear Aliyah Joy,
What a journey it has been baby girl! Over the past week, I
attempted to sit down numerous times to write out this letter to you. However,
each time I felt overwhelmed by the blank page and all the thoughts that I
wanted to share. After the third or fourth attempt to compose my words, I
realized that I would never be able to capture everything that I wanted to say
to you in one letter. So, know that the words I have chosen to say today, only
partly convey all that I’m feeling and my love towards you.
I will never forget the day we found out that I was pregnant
with you. We had just gotten another big snowstorm and your daddy was out
shoveling our back parking lot. I hadn’t been feeling the greatest and decided
to take a pregnancy test. I couldn’t believe when I saw that the test came back
positive. I quickly took another test just to be sure and it too was positive.
I was very excited! I quickly put on my
boots and went running outside in my pajamas struggling to get to daddy in the
midst of the 3 foot snow drifts. I told your daddy I had a surprise for him and
he looked at me with a confused expression. I pulled the two positive pregnancy
tests out and he was one happy guy! (Later on he told me that the snow drifts
seemed weightless to him as he shoveled after he found out he was going to be a
dad!)
I will also never forget the day that the doctors informed
us that they had found abnormalities with your brain during an ultrasound. It
was April 10th, 2010 and it felt just like a bad dream. It is a day
that many times I have wished I could completely erase from my memory and
pretend never happened. On April 16th, a specialist gave us
a diagnosis for your condition: Anencephaly, a neural tube defect in which the
skull does not close completely. He informed us that this condition is always
fatal. There are not enough words to describe how we felt after receiving this
news. The words that come to mind now are “devastated” and “helpless” but even
they don’t seem to begin to describe what we experienced on this day. In the
midst of many uncertainties, there was one thing that we were sure of: The Lord
had given you to us and you were ours. We were committed to being your parents
for however long you lived, no matter if that ended up being for a few short
months or for an entire lifetime!
And so began our incredible journey, Aliyah Joy, to press in
to know our Father’s heart. In the midst of much pain, many questions, and
tears too numerous to count, we purposed to get to know His true heart towards
us. And this is what we found: Our Father’s heart is ALWAYS for us; it is the
source of the purest love; it is compassionate and tender; it speaks softly to
us in times of great need; it loves to bless us and see us do well; it loves to
bring healing to all aspects of our life; it is always good and never fails us;
and it is the source of all life and joy!
So, to this Aliyah, I say a huge thank you. Thank you for
showing me what our Father’s heart is truly like. For giving me the opportunity
to experience the goodness of the Lord in such tangible ways. Up until this
point, I have always doubted that the Father’s heart was always for us and made
up of complete goodness. Over the past six months, however, I have come to
truly BELIEVE that God’s heart is amazing and is always for his children. Ironically,
the very situation that many people would say should have driven me away from
the Father has actually brought me into a much deeper relationship with Him.
That is so like Him, taking the ugly situations in life, redeeming them and
then making them absolutely beautiful!
I also want to thank you for allowing me to battle on your
behalf for healing over the past six months. Your situation caused me to wake
up to the call that the Lord has placed on my life to contend for healing for
people no matter what the outcome. Our Father loves to heal and calls all
believers to believe for and pray for healing on a regular basis. I am amazed
at the present day healings that are occurring all over the world…and
especially here in the United States. Daddy and I have talked about the fact
that maybe we will be called to some type of healing ministry. It excites me
and causes me to say, “More, give us more Lord.” We need to see the Kingdom of
God come here on earth not just in words but also in power. Miracles, signs,
and wonders from our Father are what will really draw people into this amazing
Kingdom.
Dear Aliyah, Daddy and I along with so many other incredible
believers fought extremely hard and contended for complete healing for you. Why
we did not see you completely healed in this lifetime, we do not know. But be
assured of this, your life has encouraged so many people to continue to press
in to know our Father’s true heart and to contend for complete healing for
those that our sick. Even
though Daddy and I did not see healing come in your situation, we are
determined to see it in our lifetime and are going to continue praying for
those who are sick. We will see a breakthrough one of these times!
Burying you yesterday was one of the hardest things that I
have ever had to do. It made everything seem so final. They should not have to
make caskets that small. I grieve over the fact that I won’t get to watch you
grow up. That I won’t be able to put your hair in pigtails or wipe your hands
and face when they get sticky. That I won’t be able to buy you dresses or sit
and cuddle with you. However, in the midst of much sadness, I rejoice in the
fact that you are with Our Heavenly Father and you are completely whole and
well! I am sure you are receiving so much good care right now. I look forward
to the day that we will be reunited again!
Aliyah Joy, you will always be my firstborn daughter. A true
blessing and a gift. An absolute joy! Thank you for all you have helped to
teach me and so many others. You have so much worth little girl!
I love you dearly,
Mommy
