A Stirring in Our Hearts

An excerpt from my journal from beginning of May 2010:

       
       God, I feel like this is a time of GREAT REFINING for both Rod and I. Getting rid of the junk in our lives and replacing it with a heart for You, for others, and possibly new ministry. God, I am not sure what that ministry will look like, but I sense a REAL STIRRING in our hearts...a thing that can only be from you.

       Rod and I both sense an EXCITEMENT as to how you are going to use our situation and how you are going to change us. Rod and I have already been able to have so many conversations with people about Your heart, how You are working in our lives, etc.

       You reminded me today of some verses that you had highlighted to me in January before I even knew I was pregnant. Isaiah 54:2-3 "ENLARGE the place of your tent, STRETCH your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; LENGTHEN your cords, STRENGTHEN your stakes, For you will SPREAD OUT to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities."

       Father, I feel that these verses are the call that you have put on our hearts at this time. May we not hold back, may we grow in you and your strength as you prepare us for what you have for us for our future!

Pressing into The Father's Heart

     The choice to press into the Father's heart after receiving our baby's diagnosis was not always an easy choice. In fact, on some days, it was the last thing that I wanted to do. However, the more I spent time sitting in the Lord's presence, the more I realized that I needed Him and His power and strength to face the journey before us.

      I felt so thirsty for more of the Word. I could not get enough of it. I spent hours pouring over Scriptures and was amazed at how many of the Scriptures seemed to JUMP OFF the page and go directly into my soul. The countless hours that I spent in the Word provided such LIFE for my soul. Rod told me that he could usually tell the days that I had spent a lot of time reading Scripture because my eyes seemed to be more “lit up.” There is something about spending time in the Word that actually changes our hearts and our countenance. It truly is NOURISHMENT for our souls.

A Choice to Make

     Upon returning home from the doctor's appointment that day in April, Rod and I knew that we had a CHOICE to make. It is the difficult choice that every human being is faced with when they are confronted with a circumstance that goes against the very thing they have planned and hoped for.

      It is the choice that Job is highlighted for making in Scripture. Every human being has been forced to make this choice at one point in their life......whether it be a circumstance with poor health, a broken relationship, the loss of a job, a financial hardship, the betrayal of a friend, the death of someone close to them.......

     The choice is this: In the midst of my dark and difficult circumstances do I "curse God and die" or do I choose to "proclaim the He is GOOD no matter what my circumstances and set my face and heart on seeking HIM, and Him alone?"

      Rod and I chose the second option....and I'm so glad that we did. We chose to call Our Father good and faithful. We chose to believe in His GOODNESS in the midst of not understanding the reasons behind our circumstance. We chose not to go down the path of cursing and accusing God, allowing our very heart and minds to become calloused and grow cold to the Very One who gave us life, to the Very One who gave our baby LIFE.

      This very choice to choose LIFE in our circumstance and continuing to seek the Lord's face opened the door for us to enter in to an amazing journey of seeing Our Father work in such powerful and loving ways. A journey that allowed us to see part of Heaven come to earth....to see how the Lord's kingdom truly can come now. A journey that caused us to contend for our baby's healing instead of allowing the diagnosis to be the final word. A journey that many standing on the outside did not understand. A journey that was so difficult at times but yet also full of so many blessings and testimonies.

Incompatible With LIFE

Journal Entry from April 16, 2010:

     It felt like this day would never come! We met with Dr. Boley at Maternal-Fetal Medicine and he did another ultrasound on our baby. He informed us that our baby had a NEURAL TUBE defect called ANENCEPHALY. This birth defect actually is found in 1 out of 1,000 babies. Many of these babies are aborted, so not many people are familiar with this birth defect.

      Within the first few weeks of conception, the baby's neural tube forms. If the tube does not completely close at the bottom, the baby develops Spina Bifida. If the tube fails to close at the top of the tube, it's called Anencephaly. The baby's skull never forms, leaving the brain and rest of the head completely exposed and unprotected. As a result, the baby's brain deteriates and the baby is left with only a brain stem.

      It was hard to take in all that Dr. Boley was telling us about on this day....we had never even heard of this birth defect before. How could our baby have Anenecephaly?? I had been taking a prenatal vitamin and was sure that I did not have low Folic Acid levels (Low Folic Acid levels have been linked to some cases of Neural Tube Defects).

      One main thing stuck out from that day with Dr. Boley. He informed us that Anencephaly is ALWAYS FATAL......that babies born with this defect are INCOMPATIBLE with LIFE. Anencephalic babies are not able to see, hear, or feel and if they live to be full term, they usually die during the natural birthing process or shortly after.

      Dr. Boley politely told us that there were "OPTIONS," and we kindly told him that we did NOT want to hear them. The Lord had given this child to us and we were commited to being his or her parents whether or not they lived for a few months, a day, or a lifetime......

A Day That I Would Like to Forget......

Journal Entry from April 10, 2010:

      It seemed like a normal Saturday morning..... Rod had left to go to Gateway House of Prayer and I enjoyed sleeping in. When I got up, I noticed that I was bleeding some and quickly called Rod. My mom took me to the Triage Unit at Women and Babies Hospital and Rod met us there.

      I noticed the large the amount of peace I felt in the midst of feeling fearful. I felt like the Lord was saying to me, "Janae, TRUST me."

      We were pleasantly surprised to see the baby moving around on the ultrasound screen! We ended up waiting five hours for Dr. Wyse to come and go over the results with us as she was doing an emergency c-section. My bleeding had stopped and the baby seemed to be doing well, we assumed that we would be given a good report.

       We were extremely surprised when Dr. Wyse informed us that it appeared that something was wrong with our baby's brain. Dr. Wyse mentioned words like choroid cysts or possible mental retardation. It was absolutely CRUSHING to receive this news.

      Rod and I went home and crawled into bed crying together....the future was so uncertain. We would go for a more in-depth ultrasound at the specialist in a week.

Positive Test!!

Journal Entry from February 11, 2010:

     
      I took a pregnancy test....actually I took two and the results were both POSITIVE!! I was so excited to tell Rod that were were pregnant, that I ran outside in my pajamas and snow boots! Rod was out shoveling lots of snow. He was so excited to hear the good news. He said that the snow actually felt lighter to him as he shoveled after he heard that we were expecting. =)

     I journaled on this day: Lord, I commit this pregnancy to you and ask for your BLESSING to be upon this baby even now as it is tiny. God, I am asking even now for the SALVATION of this child. God that he or she may have an extremely close relationship with you....a calling. MARK THIS CHILD for your service Lord Jesus. I thank you for this gift. Jesus, please give me the WISDOM I need to be an excellent mother. Over these next 8 months, continue to mold me and shape me into the woman you wish me to become. Jesus, have your way in my life, I give you permission to CHANGE whatever needs to be changed in my life!

Isaiah 60:1-3

Journal Entry from January 17, 2010:

      As I was spending time with the Lord on this day in January, I felt that he highlighted the following verses....they seemed to JUMP right off the page as I read them.

      Isaiah 60:1-3 "Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the GLORY of the Lord rises upon you. Nations will come to YOUR LIGHT, and kings to the BRIGHTNESS OF YOUR DAWN."

     That day I journaled this: We are called to be a blessing, a priesthood, to all the nations. We are called to be a light to the world and to the darkness around us. As the Lord rises, the nations and kings will come to His brightness and they will bring with them their wealth.....they will open up their storehouses for God to use.